this one’s for the fat kids

if there is one thing i love it’s shows about teenagers. actually, i don’t love them all. dawson’s creek? never watched. 90210? yes. 90210 redux (or whatever)? no. degrassi? YES. glee? hell no.

i also love reality shows about losing weight or any general self-improvement type stuff.  so last summer, i discovered two shows that fit the criteria in both zones. first, there was “huge” a drama about teens at a fat camp, which was surely modeled after my other favorite reality camp show “too fat for 15″ which  follows real teens at a weightloss camp year-round school program! though “huge” got canceled for reasons unknown to me, its lone viewer, “too fat for 15″ did so well that it’s now airing its second season.

the one thing i want to add about “huge” before completely overdosing in my love for 2-f-4-15 (i’m hip) is that that show was filled with overweight actors – young actors who are fat – which is something you don’t find on tv except maybe one fat character per show, and usually the character who gets mocked or is a bitch or has some strange quirk because fat people of course can’t just be normal in larger clothing sizes. but back to 2-f-4-15…

i have come to love all of the “characters” on this reality series. season 2 includes many of the kids who showed up in season 1, but we also lost a few who either left the program, graduated or maybe saw themselves on tv and felt too humiliated to return. the latter should have been the case for big loaf scotty, who was 14 or 15 the first year and the biggest crybaby of the camp (and probably his hometown). this kid missed a lot of morning workouts because he wouldn’t get out of bed. when he did show up, he’d inevitably break down doing basic jumping jacks. it’s not that he was so gigantic he couldn’t handle it; he simply pushed back at every turn when counselors would try to coach him.  but then producers would interview him every so often, and he always talked a big game and acted like he knew everything about losing weight and was following all the steps, but then someone else would get in the way or something else – he was the king of excuses.  i think he started around 350 lbs and by the end of the season he was down to 280 or so, and he barely put in any effort. so i would guess the camp food was his saving grace.

when scotty showed up this season (probably four inches taller and with a more mature haircut), he kept the big game talk but then actually got down to business and did the workouts – no crying. he must have watched himself on tv and then asked his family members to kick him hard in the balls as a reminder to grow the fuck up. it worked! i’m impressed that, so far this season, he’s taken more initiative and now uses his “big man” talk to encourage the newbies to keep on program.

tanisha is a show favorite. tanisha showed up last year weighing in at a whopping 510 lbs.  i’m not sure how she got into the program except for maybe the production company providing a scholarship because her family lives in a small apartment and they aren’t really living the high life like some of the other kids’ families appear to be.  when tanisha started, she had no neck and could barely move. she also had some sort of bone problem in her legs with huge scars running up her shins. tanisha got her own private room unlike the bunkbed cabins everyone else was stuffed into, and she was a huge bookworm – a quiet girl with some pretty good insight on life. i really liked her and she’s for sure a show favorite and made a lot of friends at the camp.

as of this week’s episode, she has lost 200 lbs in a little less than a year! despite her mother’s constant criticism (and blatant jealousy) when tanisha takes the initiative and tries to make a new recipe on home trips, tanisha perseveres and always shows kindness despite her awareness about her mom’s antics. it kind of sucks to watch this. like, i really want to punch her mom because it’s so obvious she doesn’t support seeing her daughter get healthy. she wants to keep her down, precious-style. ugh! it makes for great tv drama, but i wouldn’t want tanisha’s mom for anything in the world.

this season, producers clearly needed a new “big girl” like tanisha because tanisha is shrinking so quickly and there’s no more dramatic story than when someone loses huge quantities of weight. so the newly-enrolled hayley takes the cake. er, whatever. hayley weighed in at 511 lbs, besting tanisha by one pound. i swear to god producers found her and put her on the show because those numbers are so nearly identical and both girls come from very particular familial backgrounds. in hayley’s case, she is the youngest of two and her mother died some time in the past year of complications due to obesity. from the pictures they’ve shown of her, she must have been 600 or 700 lbs. i haven’t figured out if hayley’s dad divorced the mother or what, but there’s been mention of him having a girlfriend and if he moved on that quickly from his dead wife…well, maybe that’s just a man for you. i dunno.

hayley and her father have some conflicts. it may just be because he’s being recorded on film, but he goes overboard with the bad jokes and generally makes an ass of himself. he also seems completely out of touch with both of his daughters, though primarily with hayley. in some weird way, i identify with this girl and her relationship to the dad. reminds me of how disconnected i felt my dad was to me regarding anything having to do with my weight, which essentially then felt like anything having to do with ME since his concerns about my weight seemed to be more important than me as a person.

likewise, carsyn, another new girl who came into the program this season around 190 lbs (i think) has issues with her divorced parents. the dad showed up for parents weekend and pretty much embarrassed carsyn at every turn. very uncomfortable television. somehow that all worked itself out during a long walk through the woods together.  but carsyn still has other issues with her mom who was some sort of major gymnast in her youth and has always been petite. carsyn herself is not all that big; i’d say chubby, but already however many weeks into the program she is down about 30 lbs and her skin has really cleared up.

there’s another new amazonian girl named rachel who is all of 14, but looks much older thanks to her height. her whole family is a bunch of tall people and she really doesn’t seem very overweight but she’s over 200 lbs – carries it well. this girl comes from the perfect family of loving, hugging people – people i don’t think really exist, but i guess i’m wrong. rachel is a beautiful, happy girl who just happens to be overweight. she doesn’t appear to have any family drama or issues. it’s kind of refreshing! she’s the one who will grow into her body and have a great life. you just see that right off the bat.

there are other newbs like 14-year old lia who has the attitude of any character janeane garofalo has ever played and the voice of janeane garofalo, i might add. she deserves a blog all her own for her antics, but i’ve gotta wrap this up for now. needless to say, i am infatuated with teens in awkward situations, particularly if they are fat.  but as much as i am engrossed by their awkwardness, i revel in their triumphs on the scale.  i really do.  i think it is the fat teen inside of me that identifies so closely to these kids. it may not be interesting television to the average viewer, but i tape this shit and covet my fat camp watching time!

lesson(s) learned

i am up far too late for my own good, but i like to pretend i can still do this and feel fine the next day. my cat, meanwhile, already wandered off to my bed to tuck herself in.

so here are some things i am learning about work. work as it relates to my specific new job and work as “work” itself…

1. i forgot that i stopped “working” years ago and just kind of slid by doing the minimum and, sadly, some of my more recent employers found this acceptable so i was quite enabled to be a slacker.

2. when i nabbed this job, i couldn’t believe my luck and my worst fear in the couple weeks between accepting the position and the start date was that they were horribly wrong about who they thought i was and my potential. seriously. i very much worried that i would fail – and no, this wasn’t something  i worried about before other jobs. this was a new gut feeling that really freaked me out and it wasn’t about general insecurity, either. i think i knew before i really knew that this job would challenge me in ways i had no concept of yet.

3. february was a brutal month of testing – both others testing me and me apparently testing myself. i wasn’t sure i was gonna make it. even now, halfway through march, i’m not to 100% and maybe that’s just how it’s going to be.  but i can say that i got through some major turbulence and i have come to some sobering realizations about myself that are pretty shameful and embarrassing.

for instance:

- just because i’ve been working for 13 years and have moved up in quality of employers/position/status doesn’t mean i get to rest on my laurels and collect my paycheck.

- just because my colleagues and i work to attract wealthy, high-brow clientele doesn’t make my colleagues (or myself) classy equivalents to our clientele (or how we perceive our clientele to behave).

- this one i’ve known for a while, but really hit home recently – i don’t have to be on good terms with colleagues or be liked; i just have to get the job done.

- here’s a new one for me – if the boss stays past 5, my job is to stay at least 15 minutes later than i planned on. but on days when she is off to a board meeting or whatever, i will leave at 5 like i can and is written in my job description. as long as she sees me putting in more time while she’s there, i’m covered.

so it’s been a rocky and interesting start to this job, but i’m still standing and i’ve actually found some inner strength to get through some unpleasant conversations and experiences. and i’ve come to realize that i can work harder than i thought and i can really earn my money for once and have more appreciation for every dollar than i did at past jobs, and i guess i will finally get to relax the day i retire…which…should be in another…ohhhh…35 years or so.

 

happy hour hell

gee, i sure hope i don’t get a talking to when i come into work tomorrow since i “snuck out” early today at 5! we had our monthly office happy hour, which is just dreadful for my introvert self. i tried avoiding it as long as i could until nose toucher walked in – surprisingly not touching any part of her face for once. oh god, yesterday she kept wiping her eyes while talking to me; it’s so gross. so after i said i was almost ready to walk over to the other side of the office, i kept at my work for another 10 minutes or so.

when i arrived, there was a lot of commotion from the other erin – wisconsin erin aka wisky. she was as loud and obnoxious in her hybrid canadian/fargo accent as ever. in the past three or four weeks, i finally let go of any attempt to understand what her problem is with me. nose toucher gave me the scoop on personalities in the office during one of our many private convos and i learned then that wisky is some sort of germaphobe/perfectionist freak. nose toucher is her boss, btw, and said those things verbatim. so it got me thinking that maybe wisky is just a cold bitch – polite and friendly my first week. a cold motherfuckin’ bitch every week since. we’re talking no eye contact, no friendly smile as we pass in the hallway. hell – one morning i was waiting to get on the elevator with a guy standing next to me and didn’t hear wisky approach on my right (bad hearing) and then i had that reaction when you realize someone’s been standing there all along as i recognized her on the peripheral (tried to spell that “periferal” which is hilarious). we made solid eye contact. she looked away first. then the elevator bell dinged and being that there are five elevators, she was quite close to it while i kind of had to bolt to get on. did she hold the door for me as it began to close? no. instead, she recognized mindi and went straight into her animated drawl like they were bff’s. the fucking elevator door almost shut me out and she walked in like i wasn’t right there behind her. that’s the fucking kind of cuntbag this chick is.

so anyway…what a digression…i walked over to the other side of the office where the dumb party was happening. now, i should say here that for a dumb office party at least they put out decent snacks and plenty of wine and beer – and not crappy wine or beer, either. these are bankers, afterall. winers and diners. losers and schmoozers. i was offered a glass of wine immediately by nose toucher and just as quickly declined. i tried the glass of wine at the last party and realized that it’s just a waste on me. i don’t appreciate it. why bother? then someone asked me why i wasn’t drinking. (interesting since that almost sounded like peer pressure and yet 90% of us drive to and from work, so…??? okay…) i said i was saving up for tomorrow night. (which is true – hanging with a friend and planning for plastered effect by 11 p.m.  what? i can’t keep it up til 2 a.m. anymore. my party hat snapped off several years ago.) then someone else asked what my plans were. none of your goddamn business is what my plans are. that’s my “inside” voice! that’s the cranks muttering within.  instead, i mumbled something like i didn’t know yet, just knew i was going out with a friend. then another question about where to. I DON’T KNOW YET!, cranks hissed from my demon eyes. but my “outer” voice joked, “a disco club.” laughter. really? that was pretty lame. i found out there was all sorts of lame going on at this party – people talking about charlie sheen, talking about how much they love his dumb show that deserves to be canceled – and no, i don’t care about the rest of the cast and crew. they will find other jobs. and if they don’t, it’s just further proof to me that maybe more people find association with that show super lame like me. i mean, jon cryer, your early career included big multi-generation hits like “pretty in pink” and “hiding out” and then you go work on a crapass tv show with lame sex jokes and the biggest dickface actor. you suck.

so yes, i learned there really ARE people who like/liked and watched that show. and now i sit in judgment of them. and my own boss asked everyone who’s watching “dancing with the stars”.  come ON. i’ve been accused of “sneaking away” and admit that after that, i made my exit move. then i hung out in my office for another 20 minutes and left right on the dot at 5, accusations be damned.  last night, i stayed til some time after 6 working on packets for this event we’ve got next week. nobody knows that except little joe, the gay asian-mexican in the office. i think he’s the one who asked me where i was going tomorrow night. he really likes me and likes to come chat in my office when he’s in, which thankfully is not very often because he kind of doesn’t shut up.  (sales guy)  but he is likeable and very nice, unlike that cuntbag wisky.

oh! and this is what she was all hollering about when i came over to the party: apparently, they bought three lottery tickets and put all our names in a bowl to draw for them. wisky’s name got pulled from the bowl (she didn’t win on the ticket) but got all fake-upset that because there are two of us erins, whoever wrote down our names referred to us as “old erin” and “new erin”.  she was fake-yet-probably-not-fake-offended by that.  i’m fairly certain she is a couple years younger than me, but she just wouldn’t shut up about how everyone thinks she’s “over the hill now!!!”  that is her personality right there – just keep bringing something up over and over to keep attention on yourself. i guess she does it well because here i am blogging about her.

oh yeah – when all the tv show talk was going on, joe in his cute, sincere way asked me what tv show i would like to see back on the air again. he said for him, it’s “friends” or “will & grace”.  in the moment, i said i’d go back to my childhood and probably wanna watch “the facts of life” (what? it was that and “family ties”) – but would i watch them now as an adult? meh. the nose toucher almost snorted wine out her nose.  she knew all the characters’ names.  that will be our new connection. she’s like little tootie (in the early years) and i’m fat natalie (through all the years).

my, how those tides do change

wow, i haven’t blogged in a month, almost to the day. there are so many reasons for this and they are all work-related. basically, the entire month of february kicked my ass, stood me back up on my feet, and promptly kicked my ass all over again. thank god there are only 28 days in that month, i guess.

you know what’s funny? at the end of january, i had been on the job for about three weeks and felt pretty solid about things and realized that maybe my wordpress name should change. afterall, i’d regained my employment status and sure seemed like all was swwell and it was a good fit with my new boss and the company as a whole.

boy, was i wrong.

i now sit here pondering my future YET AGAIN. i just honestly do not know where the wind will carry me in the coming days.  i’m still employed, yes – with no plans to outright quit. but what is alarming is that my employer has heard me say that now, too, in the past week. like, who does that? who starts at a new job and within 45-60 days has a conversation with their employer about whether or not they should continue working there? mind you, my employer does not want to fire me. this is solely an issue about whether i can make the cultural shift and quite frankly, i just don’t know. i know that i have the technical skills to do this work, i know that i’ve worked for other employers who in many ways were far more difficult/intense/evil/whatever, and i know that i am not some shitty worker bee who doesn’t pull her own weight.

other things i know:  i am quite capable of working 9 hours straight with no breaks or lunch; nobody cares how long i work, but if i “sneak out” at 5 o’clock it is frowned upon; likewise, don’t plan on ever being sick and actually staying home – especially in the first two months of employment because it will be held against you and brought up in every conversation; in fact, rather than encourage sick employees to stay the hell away from healthy employees, it is taken as a sign of commitment and (brazen) pride if you come in anyway and work your ass off and make others sick, who then feel they have to come in too, which then continues around the whole office – you know, because that’s fucking healthy for everyone; i can be praised for my accuracy over and over, but one human mistake and i can expect to be reprimanded fiercely and reminded for the billionth time that my boss is a very important person and a perfectionist and all should aspire to be the same (my boss doesn’t directly say this, rather her sidekick does on her behalf and probably gets kibble as a treat each times she does).

god, i am carrying so much anger. and i’m already a naturally anger-identified person. (yeah, i just made that terminology up, but it’s fairly true.) but really, i am so angry over these things being brought to my attention – the labeling of who i am and who i am not, the tiny box i’m being pushed into that is then being squeezed down this conveyor belt of conformity. it’s harsh, man. it’s fucking harsh. and they tell me that it’s better to get all these “inefficiencies” figured out early on, then have six months go by and it be even harder to get me to their level. “their level” is not in any sort of reality, any sort of real place that anyone can sustain, but dammit i better get there soon!

i work with jokers. and our line of work is a joke, too. i essentially work with sales people and all they want to do is win, win, win. so sacrificing for the win is pretty much the name of the game. i’m currently working 45 hours per week (because i don’t really take any lunch break, and sometimes don’t even eat the lunch i bring, which has had a pleasant side effect of producing some weight loss but i digress…). evidently, when i’m thinking my work day is over at 5 p.m. and i’ve wrapped up whatever particular project i’m working on at the moment, and i’ve gone in to my boss’s office to see if she needs anything and she says no, i should just go back to my desk and sit and wait for my boss to leave before i do or continue on to a new project because i “must not have enough work to do” – you know, after those first nine hours with no breaks – if i’m “sneaking out” at 5, like all those other sneakers in the office. WHAT THE HELL. what a bunch of cheats we are! leaving at the time defined by our job description! bad form, bad form.

on monday, i have the pleasure of sitting down with my boss to discuss my first 45 days and her expectations for me. i got this in an email at 4:55 friday so that i could think about this all fucking weekend long. just as every weekend for the past month, i’ve found very little joy in the time to myself because of some sort of shit going on at work, whether it be condescending snide emails from one of the bankers or my boss’s minion pulling me aside for yet another conversation about how i’m doing (or not doing).

so yeah, lately i am thinking, wow…when things seem to good to be true through your interviews and maybe the first couple weeks at work, they probably are. and then the claws come out and you realize your boss is like a beautiful, tasty cake on the outside filled with poison on the inside and all her little minions follow her and will make your life a living hell if you don’t immediately fall into line. and she is like this because she’s at the top of her field and has so much to live up to. failure is not an option. i can appreciate the core of that, but i am barely tolerating their method of forcing me into line. it makes me extremely uncomfortable. i know i am a good employee, a solid worker, and my own little perfectionist. so to have a perfectionist rag on me is just ten times harder. and frankly, do i want this kind of stress in my life? i came into this place feeling like i could be here forever, my boss is fun and light – and she is until she turns – but i don’t have nerves of steel. i am very calm on the surface, but underneath is a roiling sea of nerves and emotions and this is the shit that erodes my confidence. i feel like i’m at the crossroads of trying to figure out if this will make me stronger or ultimately swallow me up and spit me out as a failure. i don’t know. a friend told me to give everything i’ve got PLUS more for the next month and if that is still not good enough for these people, form a plan to get the hell out. my mom said almost identical words. so at least i know i’ve got a couple people who support that i am doing my best and if MY best isn’t good enough, it’s not on me anymore and i will have to go somewhere else where MY best fits with the culture of the company.

and on that note, i am done blogging. we’ll see where i’m at in april!

 

the one who got away

i haven’t stuck to the whole post-a-day thing for a few weeks because 1) they’ve been disappointing prompts and 2) i am barely keeping up with anything right now probably due to job exhaustion. that said, i saw this prompt and had an immediate answer in mind.

Describe the one who got away.

when i first read the prompt, i had that milli-second memory dash of a few guys i’ve dated, but nobody stood out as “the one who got away” – and granted, i realize i don’t have to think of a person. but i still did. it’s just that it’s not any romantic relationship. no, rather the one who got away…at the risk of sounding totally self-centered…is me.

i’m the one who got away. i mean, i realize that certainly there are people who look back with regret (or whatever it may be) over some guy or girl they loved and it didn’t work out, and now it’s 20 years later and they’re having some midlife crisis, yada yada yada. or at least, movies and television make it seem like this is common practice. for me, i find myself looking back at…myself. myself in various stages of life and circumstances.

yes, this will be a blog about my weight issues – let’s just get that out there.

but i do frequently think back to an age or a time when i think (now) why did i let that happen? for example, freshly graduated from college, i came back home to live with my parents in a tiny 2-bedroom apartment where i had barely any space to breathe or have a moment to myself without my dad hounding me about finding a job or cleaning up my room or something equally nitpicky and stress-inducing.  i gained so much weight that first year out of school and it is absolutely related to the stress and depression i felt about where the hell i was going and what i was doing, which my father really didn’t make any easier.  i think i gained about 30 lbs. and, of course, i was already extremely overweight, but i had gained very gradually over years and years. that year really took the cake (which i’m sure i ate, too). and i feel like that set up my whole 20s of just feeling like i was in a vortex of weight “issues”. i mean, when i was 18, i didn’t quite see it that way. i just knew i was really heavy for my age and height and felt awkward in my body, but i didn’t associate it with depression and other people’s expectations of me.  i spent much of my 20s in that mindset and trying to pull myself away from the power i felt my dad had over me, and i do feel like i successfully shed my dad’s grip over me (which i’m grateful for in light of his death a few years ago and not feeling like things were unresolved). but i’m 35 now, and i’m still looking back and saying what happened? how did i get so far away from myself? it’s not about when or why – i know the when & why of it. but it all seems so far away, so long ago that it happened. and i feel like i am forever struggling to get myself back.

that said, this isn’t some big ol’ pity party. i don’t feel like i am sentenced to my negative feelings or thoughts – in fact, i don’t think they’re uncommon. and i’m not convinced that i’m just permanently stuck here in this weight. but i also know that if i don’t actively work at it, this IS what it is until i work on it again. so i own it. and who knows…maybe 20 years from now, i’ll stop looking back. the regret will be replaced with something a little less “weighty”!

potpourri

“potent potables”

sorry – alex trebek/jeopardy category flashed in my head as i typed my subject line.

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i don’t know why i’m still watching “V” other than a childhood loyalty to the original series, a deep desire to see massive lizard skin special effects (which i will admit they have improved on vastly season 2), and sheer delight that they brought the original lizard queen diana on the show to play anna’s mother. that chick has held up well! i mean, it’s been 25 years and she looks almost the same. that reminds me that at one time diana had straight hair – i think when the mini-series aired. then the show got picked up and suddenly she had a full-on 80s perm. fantastic! she was just trying to blend in with the human fashionistas of the day. anyhooterus, the new version still doesn’t have enough sizzle. anna, as played by morena baccarin, just does far too much smirking to denote the sinister undertones apparently viewers are stupid to pick up on without the smirk. she also has a tiny head. her pixie haircut only emphasizes this. i dunno. she’s no diana, that’s for sure! so it’s hard to buy into her powerplays. then again, i adored diana from the perspective of an 8-year-old audience member. i mean, i played “V” on the playground with my friends, we were that into it. so this show just isn’t quite living up to expectations. now, if they brought back marc singer to play donovan! shit, i think too much about such a trivial show.

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tomorrow, will be a fun day at work. my boss doesn’t know that at our 4 p.m. office happy hour (a monthly event, i hear), we’ll be surprising her with a tiny 7″ cake and one of the fanciest flower arrangements i’ve ever been charged with ordering.  these are the flowers:

that thing is around three feet tall! thus, we’re having it delivered. originally, i was gonna go pick it up, just like i’ll be picking up the tiny cake. we got her such a little cake because 1) it’s cute and 2) the idea is that it’s just hers, she needn’t share, she could potentially just take it home and enjoy with her husband. all of this is because she recently was added to the executive committee for the company – a pretty big deal. she’s already a president – which is not that common for women in this particular industry – and now she’s got another little somethin-somethin to add to her shingle.

i just realized in writing all this – and the fact that i’m legitimately excited to celebrate this woman’s successes – i think i’m really happy with my new job. there are these little things about it that really make me feel like this is the place i wanna be, these are the people i want to work with and for. the other day, i ordered lunch for one of the (male) managers last week – it was for a client meeting (three sack lunches from elephant’s deli) – and i found myself quite happy to lay out the bags, add paper plates, napkins, and knives, and display a cornucopia of beverages for him.  and when the meeting was over, i went in and straightened up the chairs (the guys all threw their stuff out, thankfully). in the past, these things would leave me disgruntled, like it was beneath me, like i was playing mommy to a bunch of adult babies (and typically of the male variety). but i ordered lunch, set it out, and cleaned up – and it’s not part of my job at all. i did it of my own free will to be…what is the word…oh, yes – HELPFUL. whaaaa?? i know. i felt like it! and you know what? the manager thanked me over and over. and then again, with the cake & flowers for my boss – who is the ONLY ONE i support at this company (a total change from past jobs where i supported, at times, up to 14 or 15 management folks) – i feel like this is my opportunity to really make her happy and surprise her. i picked the flowers and the cake – i did it all. (sidenote: i forgot how awesome it is to have a company purchasing card. i went almost three years challenging kia on every little damn purchase at that stupid company – she was the keeper of the sole card. so this is soooo nice to return to.)

also (because i can’t shut up about how much i am lovin’ this place), my boss is SO supportive of me! last thursday, i went to her righthand gal who manages operations in the office. (i’ll call her the tiny chica, but on facebook i referred to her as the “nose toucher” because whenever we have conversations she can’t stop touching her face and swiping at her nose – a nervous habit/social anxiety thing? i dunno, but i don’t believe it’s a coke problem.) so i went in to talk to the tiny chica after mulling over an issue with our front desk gal (another great supporter and polar opposite of all experiences i ever had with kia at the old job!). the issue is that i knew coming into the job, i’m expected to backup the phones for my office aunt (that’s the appropriate nickname i would give this lady – and in a very loving way, not in the god-i-hate-my-aunt way) on her breaks – morning, afternoon, and lunch. uh, i’ve done this before. it’s not new to me. i did it for kia, too, although she really didn’t take real breaks or lunch away from the office. instead she opted to go on two-hour “office errands” (yeah, right) or just call in sick at least once a week or call in that her daughter was sick once a week – one of those with extreme regularity. at this place, though, office aunt is also pretty much a bank teller, as clients will come up and make deposits or withdrawals and she assists on these things. me – i can take deposits, but have not yet learned anything about funding (and, in fact, feel a bit nervous about that – if i never had to learn, i would be content). so usually it’s on lunch breaks where someone will come in and make a deposit or withdrawal and if it’s the latter, i have to go grab one of our two finance chicks who sit around the corner in a shared office. one of them shares my name and is from wisconsin and sounds like she just stepped off the plane from there (even though she’s been here seven years). the other one is pretty cool and about 50 years old, but seems younger to me. notice that wisconsin is NOT cool in my eyes. well, it’s true. she’s corny and LOUD, but whatever. anyway, i have to call on one of them to come up and handle the transaction unless it’s a simple deposit. this is dumb. first off, both of these chicks are pretty much the equivalent of customer service, i.e. on the phone with clients or talking to them in person, handling their accounts. my job is to work as an executive assistant for our president. she is my most important client and i would never consider myself anything like customer service. i just don’t have those kinds of interactions with external clients.

anywhats…i’m babbling here. i’d been on the job for two-plus weeks and went to have a convo with tiny chica because i’d reached a boiling point on my nerves. i felt so distracted by phone backup work – i mean, at 10 a.m. i go up to the front to cover my office aunt. it takes more than a legal 15-minute break because she’s gotta go to the kitchen and empty the dishwasher (which i DO appreciate) and she might have to do one other work-related thing and THEN she can finally go downstairs for a few minutes to herself. so then maybe i’m back at my desk by 10:30 – mind you, i do have use of a computer at the front desk, but don’t have full access to things for security reasons. so it’s a little annoying. then she likes to take her lunch at 1 (which is my favored time, too, but i’ve found with this job that i take my lunch according to when my boss does to be sure i’m available when she’s around – so that varies quite a lot, therefore, i don’t care if i cover at 1). again, it’s more than an hour. then by the time i get back to my desk and get a little something done, i’m back up at the front desk for her 3 o’clock break. also, anytime she has to go into the vault, she’s gotta alert me to keep an eye out for anyone coming up from the elevators and my desk faces away from the hallway – so i’m trying to keep an eye and can’t concentrate on my own work. the whole setup is pretty ridiculous. it’s just not like i’ve experienced covering people in the past at the front desk, which is maybe hard to explain. meanwhile, my boss needs my attention very frequently and i’m constantly getting emails and paperwork from her to handle, make calls, follow up on, etc. by thursday last week, i’d had enough! first i got my office aunt’s opinion on going to the tiny chica, since i have gathered very quickly from our exchanges that tiny chica is not-pro admin. she is pro-her people. and her people are the finance chicks. i get the impression from office aunt that she feels like nothing in the eyes of tiny chica, which makes me sad because office aunt has been there the entire time they’ve had a portland office (which formed in the past decade) and she’s just so nice and accommodating – i mean, really, she reminds me of my aunt ginger who i love.  but she didn’t think tiny chica would hear my pleas on the phone coverage issue, although she supported me going to her and hoped for the best. i also learned through my office aunt that the previous admin had no luck in this area – complained for two years about trying to juggle coverage with her own job responsiblities  and nobody cared.  still, i had to try. i must always speak up, it’s the way of my father!

so i went to tiny chica and before telling her anything, i just asked her to THINK THINGS OVER and take the weekend to consider my plea (she was going to be off work friday). i asked her if the finance chicks could just cover me on the morning and afternoon breaks – i would still cover lunch, but just to give me a little more time in my own office during the day would be helpful.  sure enough, she gave me some pushback and explained that those girls have external clients they need to be available for, to which i interjected that i too have an important (internal) client and felt very distracted in my job. i left her office feeling like my chances were slim-to-none, but she said she would email my boss to get her thoughts. she also mentioned that she and the boss weren’t meeting again for another week or so, so it would be some time before she could come back with any info.

the very next morning, my boss whipped past me on the way to her office and apparently checked her email. next thing i know, she was in my office and told me she got the info from tiny chica and agreed with ME (!!) – that the finance chicks should cover breaks so i could focus on supporting her! what the what?! i couldn’t believe it! except i guess i kinda could. i mean, all of my interactions with my boss so far have been nothing but positive, good experiences. she said that she felt it was more important that i’m at my desk helping her than covering the front desk and she even wrote back to tiny chica that this may be more than a 90-day substitute coverage thing – it may go permanent!! uh, i wasn’t expecting anything of the sort. i just wanted time to get my bearings in my job. on top of that, the boss told me that there was a real difference between the old admin and me – the old admin was very quick and got things done, but she never understood WHY she was doing something and my boss sees in me that i am interested in the whys of things. that’s why she thinks i should focus on doing more of my own work. THANK YOU, BOSS!!

later in the morning, she emailed me to ask if i wanted her to talk to the chicks about covering the front desk for the afternoon. but i am wise, see, and suggested that we wait for tiny chica to return monday and talk to them since they are her charge and she’d probably appreciate controlling that communication. then monday came and tiny chica emailed me that i would not be covering ANY breaks for the next 90 days – not even lunch. holy WHAT?! but she was at a different office, so i couldn’t have an in-person discussion with her to clarify that i was only asking for morning/afternoon breaks. i’m definitely not interested in putting off the finance chicks with all this. i know that nobody likes covering front desk and they’ve had to take turns doing that for three months until i was hired. but then a friend pointed out that i shouldn’t say anything and just let it be because those chicks would want the same thing for themselves and i shouldn’t feel guilty over it. i’m still kind of on the fence about it, though, because i definitely don’t want to appear to not be a team player. i just needed some relief – partial. i’m so amazed by my boss, though! especially since the old admin couldn’t get this okayed. she must really like me. oh, i can’t wait to see the look on her face tomorrow when we surprise her with cake and flowers!!

damn, this blog is long. this is what happens when i don’t blog regularly.

flip it!

i’m sitting here watching a show on DIY called “rehab addict” which centers on some 30ish little blonde chick who goes around rehabbing old houses. it’s her passion. i’ve been watching her show off and on over the last couple months, as well as “this old house” and some other renovation shows. i love this stuff. it just hit me that if i could get myself down to a healthy weight – and i don’t even mean thin, but rather just physically comfortable enough to do this kind of work  – i would try to pursue this as one of my passions. i just love the history of houses, furniture, architecture, people. my god, my house is filled with antique furniture – pieces i covet, i think about who sat on my couch, what their house was like, stuff like that. i kind of go bananas when i come upon something really unique.

as far as actual houses go, i’ve been sitting here (before “rehab addict” even came on) trying to do some research on the age of my house (1939) and the neighborhood. i know i really need to get down to city hall and look up the property if i wanna get anywhere on this. my goals are to figure out when these additions were made to the living room and my bedroom, see if i can find a list of old owners (i know the former owner lived here 35 years and i think she said before her there were maybe two other owners). i wish there was a blueprint of the place stuffed somewhere in a closet or the basement – just give me some details!!

but back to the top of this post, truly and sincerely if i could keep motivated to drop some weight so that i can do more to fix up my home, that’s first and foremost. and then i’d find a way to start financing buying other crapped out houses and start flipping. it’s a lot of physical labor that i just can’t do right now, but in my head i have massive ideas about my current home and a lot of knowledge i’ve picked up just watching other people work on houses and things i’ve read up on. ahhh, to dream…

my first day

no prompt necessary, wordpress. today was my first day back in the saddle of employment!  first of all, let me say how RELIEVED i feel to get the day over with. i met most everyone (except a few on vacation), i sat down with my boss to talk about strategies for helping her, i have plenty of paperwork and buttloads of emails to sort through and organize for her. i also gained some insight on the last girl in this position who apparently felt burned out on the workload, never took any lunches out of the office, and had a lot of miscommunications with our boss. me – i want a heavy workload. my goal is to pretty much stay off the interwebs (except for work-related research) the whole day. i mean, sure, i may check from my phone…but i don’t want to have an open window with personal stuff i’m browsing on my computer. to some, this is the norm, a no-brainer. for me, this will be a new way of working. actually, this will just be called “working”. i be smart! well, the last job was so unchallenging, the interwebs kept me going through the day. as florence would warble, “the dogs days are o-o-o-v-er-r-r!” i am hopeful!

i won’t start training with our front desk receptionist, chris, until wednesday probably (i will cover phones on her lunch and breaks, which i am used to), but she was really mellow and friendly today. she would be my “kia” equivalent at the old office, but i think she’s gonna be low drama and not a control freak.  she definitely loves her job, which is great, and has been with them for the six years they’ve had a portland branch. i love people who love to answer the phone. i’m not a fan of that work, but sure am appreciative. she also shared with me her myers-briggs test results (apparently we all get tested at some point) and i let her know i’ve taken it before and know what mine is. then she shared with me what our boss and rosie, one of the managers, got on the test and gave me a handout showing how to communicate with their type. actually, it was kind of sweet and certainly helpful. when i think of kia presenting me with this information, i shudder. i didn’t get that feeling with chris at all, which is a good sign! with kia, i knew on day 1 she would make my work life miserable if i interacted with her. oh! i also learned how to “sweep” the floor for robbers with chris! it’s not that they really think anyone’s gonna come up many flights in the building to rob us, but we are a bank afterall.

so i feel some relief now that i got in there, set up my desk, got my computer login and password stuff dealt with, and just…got to work! i still can’t believe i have my own office. my one tiny complaint is that my windows face south so i get a ton of sun (which by portland standards is not a lot, i s’pose) and the blinds are those kind that are fabric you can still see through. thus, the sun still burns through the shade directly on my butterball flesh.  still, it’s my own office!

i need to sleep now. besides, most of this is just babble.

horns, tail, a fork and flames

Are you stressed out right now? (If so, why? If not, why not?)

i’ve pasted the prompt in, but don’t feel like answering it. instead, let me turn to the events of my day…

i managed to roll out of bed around 10 a.m. and got my gear on to head out to my dealer, barista, where the coffee is crack.  side note: i met my pal carrie there last week while she was in town and she remarked about how funny it is that in the past year, she, myself, and three other of her friends around the same age all started drinking coffee. i could only snark that i act like i will only drink the most primo coffee from the best coffeehouses in portland. but i’m not even acting! i really do think this way. it’s embarrassing! imagine what would happen to me if i suddenly really loved wine? i’d be telling everyone which wineries were the best and letting them know where i order cases from. please help me. i have no shame!

the coffee this morning was the lure to get me over to lloyd to return some crap i ordered before xmas. first, i stopped in at lame giant lane bryant to return a buttload of shoddily made overpriced rags. then i stopped in to forever 21. like, omg, i’ve like never set foot in forever 21 before – true storyyyy. why would i? also, why would they put all their bras and undies on display in the corner where gobs of people walk by? i get it at a place like victoria’s secret where that’s all they have to sell, but if i went shopping in F-21 for bras, i would be embarrassed to be browsing right there next to the glass for all the weirdos to gawk at me. like, the dudes selling phone plans at the kiosk five feet away. what is the thought process here? my sister was offered a management job with them and turned it down, thank god. i’d be embarrassed for her, but honestly i’m embarrassed for everyone in retail. not in a snooty, superior way. i just think retail is fucking ROUGH. the turnover in her stores has always been high wherever she works and she’s constantly complaining about the idiots who both work for her and buy clothing from her. i will not name the store she works at because she will probably find my blog at some point since she already stalks me through my brother-in-law’s profile on facebook. i sound so juvenile. fuck it. i am juvenile.

ANYWAY…i went into F-21 to check out their accessories – and i was really pleasantly surprised by the variety and pricing! yes, after all my carping about this place, in the end, i must say i bought about 500 lbs worth of costume jewelry. now i just have to start wearing it. JOY. this weekend, i’m gonna splay all my new clothes out, organize the combo outfits i can create and accessories to adorn with each outfit, take photos and make notes. yes, i really am that weird. if i don’t do this, i am liable to wear the same four things over and over again. this is how my old wardrobe life went. it’s really sad stuff.

after my F-21 splurge, i took my land’s end loot to sears. i guess sears bought out land’s end and i missed the news alert on this however long ago. so it’s nice that you can take the stuff you ordered online and return it directly to sears instead of shipping it back. however, as luck would have it, i wound up being serviced by a very christian lady who completely misread me as somehow “right aligned” with her and her views. so for about fifteen minutes, i heard nothing but a lot of sad stories about her troubles and how “He has me in His hands” and weird shit like that. she never said the word god. maybe it is FORBIDDEN. i dunno, but she assumed i knew who “He” was and thankfully i am quite clever. and then the best part was how she said she could tell that i was a very calm person, a very patient person who was so open. the maniacal laughter in my head was laced with visuals of a red devil complete with horns, tail, fork and flames as i took this in and nodded politely. i mean, whatdyagonnado? the whole situation was bizarro. i pretended to check stuff on my phone. i smiled like the mona lisa as she continued on with shaky hands gripping various shipping receipts she had to enter. good grief.

i will say, though, that i was so relieved to get these returns out of my house and money back in my bank account. it occurred to me, as well, that for “retail therapy” shoppers – you know – the ones who are constantly out buying stuff they don’t need and overspending? they should continue to do so, keep all receipts, and then return everything. i’m just saying…they get the high of the purchase and the relief of the return. i’m totally onto something here.

okay, now for a completely different topic…i picked up “us weekly” – a celeb rag i used to subscribe to years ago, but don’t regularly read at all anymore since it’s always the same dumb tripe – someone lost 10 lbs! someone had a baby! someone cheated on someone else! blech. this week’s issue is obviously all about weightloss and new year’s resolutions – that is why i bought it because, yes, i am still a sucker deep down inside.

towards the back of the issue, though, they have a page devoted to top celebrity baby names – top 10 most favorite and least favorite. i’m sure this is a scientific poll from the writers. i just have to comment on a few of these names on the list because…i…feel like it.

the number one most favorite is mark wahlberg’s new kid: grace margaret. {{sigh}} so pretty. so old-fashioned trendy new. so barf. mind you, i have a niece named gracie! so that makes me a dick, i guess. #4 – lance armstrong’s olivia marie. OLIVIA IS BEING SEVERELY ABUSED IN RECENT YEARS. drop it already! here – amy adams named her girl aviana olea. i’m sorry, all i see is olive oil. olea?? awful. that was #3! god, i hate to admit this…it kills me…but #10 is easton – son (or daughter?) of jenna elfman, and i cannot STAND her.  but easton is at least not something i’m hearing/reading everywhere. i give her some points for that one, as much as it pains me to do so.

on the least favorite list: #1 is jamie oliver’s son buddy bear maurice. okay…definitely unique. i think all his daughters have funky names, too, so at least the family is consistent. i could see calling the kid “buddy” – i dunno. it’s…original! will ferrell’s kid comes in at #4 with axel. axel is perhaps the ugliest name out there. i recall coming up with some fake baby names on facebook a while back when i was feeling nauseated by all the flowery/cutesy names out there. i came up with weird shit like grid, graft, etc. things that sounded tough and completely NOT cute. i’m not saying i’d really name a kid anything like those names – lord knows i’m not having any of my own in this lifetime anyway – but i have to say “axel” falls into the tough names list and yet i really detest it. axel ferrell? first off, i’m anti-rhyming final syllables on first and last names. axEL ferrELL. no. amy poehler & will arnett end up on the bad list at #8 with abel james. if i recall, their first son’s name is archie so they must have an affinity for the A’s. i don’t mind abel. archie is kinda cute, kinda crazy. abel is definitely better than freakin’ axel. at #10, celine dion gets knocked for naming her kid nelson. i must admit, that is surprising. isn’t the first kid some crazy french name, like francois-pierre? and then his little brother gets nelson? nelson dion-angelil? what the fuck. nelson, in and of itself, is not the issue.

i am reminded of the family names my dad came across during his genealogy research. we have a newell, nelson, harlow and horace (twins!), ralph (great-grandpa), and royal.  i like harlow. harlow is quite famous in the science community, but i shan’t give up my last name in a blog. i know nicole richie named her daughter harlow and i like it, though i don’t care for her. i think it’s alanis morrissette who gave birth recently and named her kid ever. it’s funny because some entertainment news show was mocking it and i recall my sister throwing that name out as a possibility when she was pregnant. i don’t mind it.

you know what i do mind? continuing this blog. and so…goodnight!

text-talk

Do you prefer to talk, text message, or a different communication method?

i know these prompts are supposed to be simple and geared at those who do not blog regularly or whatever, but it’s kind of making me feel like…my mom. my mom just learned how to open up a word document and save it to her drive. like…last week. i know this because i taught her. and these blog prompts feel like something she’d jump all over and find challenging. am i a dick? i’m just saying! she’s not very tech savvy, she’s not thinking about what sounds like compelling information to share. my mom is the sweetest lady on earth – i’m honestly not meaning to make her sound like anything less. this is really much more about how i’m feeling about these prompts. sorry.

maybe i need to find another site with more intriguing prompts, i dunno. do i prefer to text or talk? text. write. IM. email. blog. those are my preferences. in fact, i use so few of my mobile talk minutes, it’s ridonk. my mom, on the other hand (and because i might as well just keep talking about her), is a chatty cathy. except her name is spelled with a “k” so she’s a chatty kathy. also, my mom will talk about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING under the sun – thus, these prompts are more appropriate to her tastes. my mom’s the type where she will babble on and on about something really inane (like, this week it was about how much her ears were killing her on the plane down to wherever she is in florida – i mean, it was a play-by-play, minute-by-minute account of her excruciating experience during which i read my email and kind of zoned out), and then just when you both start to wrap up the phone call and are saying your goodbyes, she starts in on a whole new topic! i blame my dad for this. if my dad were alive, i wouldn’t sit through even half of these conversations because he’d have to do it for all of us kids.

so yeah. don’t care for phone calls, really. the good news with my mom is that she now owns her first smartphone and is learning to text!